1. The dry food
2. The canned food
3. The natural food -
The bird
The mouse
The fish
The big ugly bug
4. The forbidden food -
The rubber band
The piece of string
The dried flower arrangement
The paper clip
The tinsel
The potted plant
The food left ungarded on the table
Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener;
Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches;
Fifteen month gestation period and still no kittens;
No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz;
Cat food dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough;
Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pant suit;
Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky;
He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull;
Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed,
and........
The Number One sign your cat is overweight...
He has more chins than lives.
--AUTHOR UNKNOWN
THOUGHTFUL MUSINGS ON DOGS
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in
the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently
at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in
his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays
up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come
back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken,
pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on
earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99
cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
6) When you want to be left alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody
9) They leave hair everywhere
10) They drive you nuts and cost and arm and a leg
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
VET FEES
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands
a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The
vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The
vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."
When Dogs Cross Breed...
**********************************************
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....
oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold!
Elevator butt.
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for "Cup Hockey."
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.
We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?
On Beet Pulp and Squirrels
phool.com received a hilarious true story about one woman's adventure
with a bucket of beet pulp and a possessive squirrel. We warn
you, it's quite long, but well worth the read.
Click for more on BEET PULP
