sexist humor

Sexist Humor--Sisterly or Guy
As the spirit moves us (and the material dictates)

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Movie Rating System Explained:

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

Womanisms

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing. Blond and Male Bashing in One--How Good Is This?

Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

The Bridge

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

Theman sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genielaughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No....think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
More Blonde Jokes (Sorry--we just can't help ourselves...)

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Words from Famous Women

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.
--Bella Abzug

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
--Maryon Pearson

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
--Elayne Boosler

I think, therefore I'm single.
--Lizz Winstead

I'm not going to vaccuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
--Roseanne
If you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
--Margaret Thatcher

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
--Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
--Katherine Hepburn

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky

IT'S ALL IN THE INTERPRETATION

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence).

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

Words from Guys Who Obviously Know

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.
The dad replies, "Well, son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well, son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."


Sexist Humor--Sisterly or Guy As the spirit moves us (and the material dictates)
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN	Movie Rating System Explained: G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
Womanisms Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.	Blond and Male Bashing in One--How Good Is This? Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across. The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across. The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across. Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
The Bridge A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" Theman sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genielaughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No....think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"	More Blonde Jokes (Sorry--we just can't help ourselves...) This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"
Words from Famous Women
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. --Bella Abzug Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elayne Boosler I think, therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead I'm not going to vaccuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --Roseanne	If you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. --Margaret Thatcher Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. --Gloria Steinem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --Katherine Hepburn I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --Gilda Radner I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky
IT'S ALL IN THE INTERPRETATION WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence). FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out. THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.	VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other. male: Playing ball without a cup. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
Words from Guys Who Obviously Know A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well, son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well, son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."