web humor

Recent/Classic Web-Sourced Humor
Mercifully (or Mercilessly) Edited

Foreign expressions, letters changed to make a new meaning:

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam.

VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO
Fast retort.

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.

POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown (or politician, your call)

FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat.

IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!

BUENOS DIAL
Happy telemarketing.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle

VIVE LE DUFFERENCE
Long live golfing.

QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here.

PAS DE TROUT
We are out of the fish

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER
He deserved it.

NOMO ARIGATO
No thanks to you.

This is a Chain Letter Virus.

You must delete all the files on your hard drive within the next fifteen minutes and you will have GOOD LUCK for the next year. If you do not delete your files, BAD LUCK will haunt you forever, or at least until you receive another chain letter.

You must forward this message to at least six friends and GREAT WEALTH will come to you within ten days. The more people you send it to, the greater your wealth will be.

The clock is ticking. DO NOT DELAY! One woman took forty-five minutes to back up her hard drive first and her power went out in the middle of the backup. Her system crashed and she lost this message, her address book, and all hope of turning her luck around in our lifetime. Plus, her air conditioning unit shorted out; it was just ten days after the extended warranty expired. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

This is NO JOKE. A man who laughed at this message tore a ligament in his primary keying hand when he moved the message to his trash can icon. His health insurance company is refusing to cover his surgery because the injury was the result of a reckless act and hence preventable. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!

You are being sent this message because someone wants to share their good luck and fortune with you. Do not miss out on this incredible, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. HURRY! Time is running out. HIT THAT DELETE KEY NOW!

P.S. Remember to forward this email BEFORE you delete your files and lose your email address book.

P.P.S. You will not get a second chance. This is the ONLY copy of this message that you will receive, unless you have more than one email address.

P.P.P.S. This is a true chain letter. It has been around the world twelve times and brought good luck to over 500,000 people. It has ruined the lives of 700,000 others. Send NO MONEY. Just do it.

How the Media Would Handle the End of the World

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

Sports Illustrated: Game Over.

Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.

National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.

TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!
Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.

America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

Washington Post Definition Contests

Our email sources tell us the following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The challenge: simply to REDEFINE WORDS from the dictionary -- no added or changed letters.
-------------
Abdicate - v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Willy-nilly - adj. impotent.

Flabbergasted - adj. appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle-n. an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard - n. a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee - n. a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence - n. the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeano assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
For this group, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
-------------
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Winners of a Recent West Coast (of course) Radio Station Contest for Listeners' Impromptu Theories

RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. If giant slabs of hot buttered toast are strapped to the backs of a hundred tethered cats, the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

"INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED"

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
5. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
6. " If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

NEW AXIOMS OF THE NINETIES

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
4. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice
5. C:\ is the root of all directories
6. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish
7. The modem is the message
8. Too many clicks spoil the browse
9. The geek shall inherit the earth
10. Virtual reality is its own reward
11. There's no place like http://www.home.com
12. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


Recent/Classic Web-Sourced Humor Mercifully (or Mercilessly) Edited
Foreign expressions, letters changed to make a new meaning:
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO I came, I saw, I stuck around. COGITO, ERGO SPUD I think, therefore I Yam. VENI, VIDI, VICE I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO Fast retort. VENI, VIPI, VICI I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM I think; therefore I waffle. RIGOR MORRIS The cat is dead. POSH MORTEM Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO Support your local clown (or politician, your call) FELIX NAVIDAD Our cat has a boat. IDIOS AMIGOS We're wild and crazy guys! BUENOS DIAL Happy telemarketing.	RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS Can you drive a French motorcycle VIVE LE DUFFERENCE Long live golfing. QUE SERA SERF Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI The king is dead. No kidding. MONAGE A TROIS I am three years old. HASTE CUISINE Fast French food. L'ETAT, C'EST MOO I'm bossy around here. PAS DE TROUT We are out of the fish ALOHA OY Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know. ICH BIT EIN BERLINER He deserved it. NOMO ARIGATO No thanks to you.
This is a Chain Letter Virus. You must delete all the files on your hard drive within the next fifteen minutes and you will have GOOD LUCK for the next year. If you do not delete your files, BAD LUCK will haunt you forever, or at least until you receive another chain letter. You must forward this message to at least six friends and GREAT WEALTH will come to you within ten days. The more people you send it to, the greater your wealth will be. The clock is ticking. DO NOT DELAY! One woman took forty-five minutes to back up her hard drive first and her power went out in the middle of the backup. Her system crashed and she lost this message, her address book, and all hope of turning her luck around in our lifetime. Plus, her air conditioning unit shorted out; it was just ten days after the extended warranty expired. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! This is NO JOKE. A man who laughed at this message tore a ligament in his primary keying hand when he moved the message to his trash can icon. His health insurance company is refusing to cover his surgery because the injury was the result of a reckless act and hence preventable. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE! You are being sent this message because someone wants to share their good luck and fortune with you. Do not miss out on this incredible, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. HURRY! Time is running out. HIT THAT DELETE KEY NOW! P.S. Remember to forward this email BEFORE you delete your files and lose your email address book. P.P.S. You will not get a second chance. This is the ONLY copy of this message that you will receive, unless you have more than one email address. P.P.P.S. This is a true chain letter. It has been around the world twelve times and brought good luck to over 500,000 people. It has ruined the lives of 700,000 others. Send NO MONEY. Just do it.
How the Media Would Handle the End of the World
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends. Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse. Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour. Sports Illustrated: Game Over. Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse. National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again. TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!	Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet! Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos? Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share. Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE. America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
Washington Post Definition Contests
Our email sources tell us the following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The challenge: simply to REDEFINE WORDS from the dictionary -- no added or changed letters. ------------- Abdicate - v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Willy-nilly - adj. impotent. Flabbergasted - adj. appalled over how much weight you have gained. Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle-n. an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard - n. a very rude Metrobus driver. Coffee - n. a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence - n. the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline. Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeano assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.	For this group, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. ------------- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
*Winners of a Recent West Coast (of course) Radio Station Contest for Listeners' Impromptu Theories* RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate. RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells. GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. If giant slabs of hot buttered toast are strapped to the backs of a hundred tethered cats, the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
"INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED" These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 5. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 6. " If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."	NEW AXIOMS OF THE NINETIES 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click 4. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice 5. C:\ is the root of all directories 6. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish 7. The modem is the message 8. Too many clicks spoil the browse 9. The geek shall inherit the earth 10. Virtual reality is its own reward 11. There's no place like http://www.home.com 12. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.